“The New Security Guard”

A quiet museum at night. Harvey Korman plays the strict museum director. Tim Conway is the new night security guard.

Harvey Korman (serious):
Mr. Jenkins, this museum houses priceless artifacts. Your job is simple: watch the exhibits and report anything suspicious.

Tim Conway (very calm):
Oh I’m excellent at suspicious.

Harvey:
Good. Because last week someone tried to steal a statue.

Tim:
Oh that was me.

Harvey:
WHAT?!

Tim:
Just testing security. Turns out… it wasn’t very good.

Harvey:
Well tonight you’re going to patrol the Egyptian wing.

Tim:
I already did.

Harvey:
You started five minutes ago!

Tim:
Fast walker.

(Tim pulls out a notebook.)

Harvey:
What’s that?

Tim:
My suspicious report.

Harvey:
Already?

Tim:
Yes sir. I found something very strange.

Harvey:
What?

Tim (serious whisper):
One of the mummies… moved.

Harvey:
They’re not supposed to move!

Tim:
Exactly. That’s what made it suspicious.

(They walk to the mummy display.)

Harvey:
Which one moved?

Tim:
That one right there.

(The mummy case is empty.)

Harvey:
The mummy is gone!!

Tim:
Yeah… that’s what I meant by “moved.”

Harvey (panicking):
How does a 3,000-year-old mummy just disappear?!

Tim:
Well… technically it didn’t disappear.

Harvey:
What do you mean?

(Tim slowly points behind Harvey.)

Tim:
It’s been following you for about three minutes.

(Harvey turns around. Tim is standing there wrapped in bandages like a mummy.)

Harvey:
MR. JENKINS!!

Tim (mummy voice):
I was blending in with the exhibit.

Harvey (trying not to laugh):
Take those bandages off right now!

Tim:
Can’t.

Harvey:
Why not?!

Tim:
I accidentally glued them.